Okay, stream of consciousness over. Below are a few (very slightly edited) paragraphs from my petition for re-admission...maybe it'll explain better.
Dear Dean:
It has now been a year since I started my senior year. During that semester, I suffered from acute depression and anxiety, as well as obsessive thoughts about both my past and future. I would read one paragraph and be consumed by cycling thoughts about irrational fears – that I would suddenly sever ties with my friends, for example – for hours at a time. During those episodes, I could not do anything besides just sit there, trapped. To escape this, I threw myself into anything but schoolwork – checking email constantly, hanging out with my suitemates – anything so that I did not have to think. If I did not have to think, I ceased having to feel, and that would make things better for a short time. I still cared a lot about schoolwork, and I did it when I could, but eventually, I ended up with three incompletes and one dropped course.
Looking back, the first two weeks were possibly the toughest I’ve ever faced. Knowing that I would not graduate with my class really hurt, and I questioned the significance and my ability to do anything ever again. Ever since elementary school, I’ve had to prove myself because of my visual handicap – and since I couldn’t do so athletically or aesthetically, I had to do so mentally. I had to be smarter and work harder than everyone else. What happened senior year was the culmination of four years of believing that I wasn’t good enough for medical school, for college, to achieve my goals.
Gradually, the effect of separation from the school, my friends, and seemingly, any shot of achieving something meaningful in life, began to seem more real, but also more down-to-earth and manageable. Over the past year, I’ve learned that it is the imaginary that seeks to destroy me, and I have to look out for opportunities to keep myself grounded. When I do find that opportunity, I have to move on – acknowledge and reconcile with whatever past mistakes or thoughts I may have made, and dive in. I think the problem through the years for me has been perfectionism – if it’s not perfect, I don’t want it. This is why I used to take such an issue with people telling me to “just do it” and “take some responsibility” – because they did not understand that for me to “do it” meant that it had to be perfect, and until it was according to my standards, there was nothing in the world or in my head that would be able to convince myself otherwise.
One of the biggest stumbling blocks for me has actually been imaginary standards – I have to do “this” in order to be “that,” and if I don’t, I’m not good enough. Upon getting into college, I had grand dreams of becoming a physician-scientist. Over the next few years, I had to lower my expectations again and again, until there was such a gap between the standards I aspired towards and the expectations I realistically had that I broke down.
I remember one conversation where a dean asked me what they could do to help students like me. The answer is exactly what you did – give me a real-world perspective. Too often, students at top universities are locked into one vision, to which they must complete a specific order of tasks that are set in stone. The need to uncouple the chain between academic success and real-world fulfillment is so important – and one that many students either ignore – or when they can’t, attach themselves to. The thing is, all of us have “pure potential” before we actually try or do anything. Life is an experiment, so we should not be afraid to try things out, because we have plenty of potential to spare.
Of course, I know that not every experience will be like these, and that I have to maintain perspective. For example, getting a PhD might make me happy, but it might not. It might get me a job, but it might not. It might get people to respect me, but it might not. The truth is, my only handicap is my vision – not my brain, and not how people perceive me – and I’ve overcome this limitation fairly well. If eventually, getting a PhD is something I want, I am “good enough” to achieve it. But, if not, I can enjoy working in the “real world” for all it’s worth. This is why I am ready to come back to school – because I am good enough to finish my last semester, good enough to graduate, and good enough to achieve my goals. Discipline and imagination can go together – it just means that I might have to make a few adjustments along the way, and continue to tell myself that I am good enough to do it.
I’d like to close with a story: One day, a piano player with really short fingers goes to a club to play. A woman walks up to him and marvels “How do you play so wonderfully with such short fingers?” The man replies “Who said I played with my fingers? It all happens up here [points to his head].” Everything we do that we care about, and want to succeed in, we do with our minds and with confidence – and that is the one thing I now know I have in abundance. Thank you for all your guidance, patience, and advice this past year. It has been well worth it, and whatever the final decision regarding my status may be, I assure you that I have what it takes to move forward.
Note: I'm officially re-admitted for the spring of 2011...here's to one more semester, and to what comes next.
