I went to NYC this past weekend with a former suitemate to visit a mutual friend (also a former suitemate). It was awesome, but I sort of had a "country mouse" feeling all along, because it was so big. Craziness. I definitely don't think I could live there, but I'd love to visit occasionally (or even often). In any case, one of my friends asked Saturday morning "So whatever happened between you and J?" I was not anticipating this question, and hadn't thought about it until that moment. My response was a somewhat flippant "Oh, she rejected me, which was fine...you guys know the story, right?" (Side note: I hate writing stuff like this...it's self-serving and kind of trite, and I'm not even sure it helps me, never mind other people...sigh). In any case, that brought me back to this entry, partially written last spring...
"Today, I went up to campus to visit a friend, possibly for the last time in the next few years. As I was on my way, I silently prayed that I would have the courage to say what I had to, and the grace to say it with honesty and compassion. It didn't happen.
"Today, I went up to campus to visit a friend, possibly for the last time in the next few years. As I was on my way, I silently prayed that I would have the courage to say what I had to, and the grace to say it with honesty and compassion. It didn't happen.
(Yes, I know that in my last post, I debated the merits of whether I should start from the premise that God doesn't exist - which should render prayer meaningless. At this point, though, I don't want to let go of prayer as something - anything - in order to connect with God. I'm not sure where that leaves me in my search for the truth, but this is where I stand now).
Some brief background (because the backstory would require narrating my life story, which is both impractical and pitiful): junior year of college sucked, in every way possible. Fresh off of passing orgo in the summer (with a "gentleman's C," might I add...sarcastically), I decided that all these signs that I wasn't cut out to be a doctor wasn't enough - I was going to take orgo 2 and physics in the same semester. Bad, bad, bad idea...especially considering the fact that I hadn't really learned orgo 1 - and was taking three classes on top of them. Not surprisingly (for me, anyway), I broke down academically - I basically stopped practicing orgo problems because I didn't understand them, did physics p-sets the morning (read: 1am to 11am) they were due (thank you, physics roomie extraordinaire, for keeping me sane), and only barely studied for tests. Then I got a 19 on my first orgo exam of the semester.
That was it. I completely lost it. I never, ever thought it could get this bad...and it would only get worse. I stopped going to classes altogether for a month..."
Okay, so that's where it ends...and since I don't want to re-live this any more than I have to, I'm going to condense the next...two years, in a few sentences. I got seriously depressed, was rescued from the brink by a very good friend whom I eventually developed a romantic interest in. We had "The Talk," decided that a relationship wasn't going to work, and that was that. One thing of note (which I've been meaning to blog about for ages): she told me that I had to "guard my heart." I had a huge problem with that, for many reasons, which I won't detail...and turned over that conversation in my head for the next year. I finally had to tell her how I felt, and...things got awkward, I made her cry, and I still didn't really feel like any weight was lifted. (The next few posts spawned from this piece of history will make much more sense/not be as...ugh). Just...the feeling that I was burning my friendships...and whenever anything good came of them, I would inevitably screw it up. Sort of like my walk with Jesus. I don't know. Anyway, since then, I've had way too much time to self-reflect, and things have definitely gotten better.
(If you're just skimming this, you can skip to this part). On the strong advice of one of my best friends, I've become more humble, and less critical of my relationships with others. It's still hard, but I think I've definitely gotten better (and more willing) at repairing bridges when they break, instead of blowing them up. Almost always, this is a two-way process, but even so, the important thing is that I accept others' attempts to reach out and make things better, instead of just being bitter that things didn't end up the way I wanted. Even when communication is scarce (as it can be between friends after college), appreciate every phone call, email, and even face-to-face meeting. As for the memories, well, take what you can out of them, whether they be lessons, meaning, or emotion, and...let them go. Make room for more memories. Cherish what you had, even if not everything was good. And hard as it may be, move on. It's so tempting to keep a toe in the door (if I can use a friend's words), to keep alive that sliver of hope, or even an excuse to rage. The thing is...closing the door doesn't mean it won't open again, maybe to a similar experience in the future that can offer another outcome. It doesn't mean you should slam it shut or tear the door down and blast the room to bits. It just means that you don't have to think about it constantly, knowing that you learned from and perhaps even enjoyed parts of the experience...knowing that it'll be there when you need it. And if not, just shut the door gently, and move on to the next room. There are plenty to explore - and fill. And I'll close with this: God's house has plenty of rooms...
Okay, so that's where it ends...and since I don't want to re-live this any more than I have to, I'm going to condense the next...two years, in a few sentences. I got seriously depressed, was rescued from the brink by a very good friend whom I eventually developed a romantic interest in. We had "The Talk," decided that a relationship wasn't going to work, and that was that. One thing of note (which I've been meaning to blog about for ages): she told me that I had to "guard my heart." I had a huge problem with that, for many reasons, which I won't detail...and turned over that conversation in my head for the next year. I finally had to tell her how I felt, and...things got awkward, I made her cry, and I still didn't really feel like any weight was lifted. (The next few posts spawned from this piece of history will make much more sense/not be as...ugh). Just...the feeling that I was burning my friendships...and whenever anything good came of them, I would inevitably screw it up. Sort of like my walk with Jesus. I don't know. Anyway, since then, I've had way too much time to self-reflect, and things have definitely gotten better.
(If you're just skimming this, you can skip to this part). On the strong advice of one of my best friends, I've become more humble, and less critical of my relationships with others. It's still hard, but I think I've definitely gotten better (and more willing) at repairing bridges when they break, instead of blowing them up. Almost always, this is a two-way process, but even so, the important thing is that I accept others' attempts to reach out and make things better, instead of just being bitter that things didn't end up the way I wanted. Even when communication is scarce (as it can be between friends after college), appreciate every phone call, email, and even face-to-face meeting. As for the memories, well, take what you can out of them, whether they be lessons, meaning, or emotion, and...let them go. Make room for more memories. Cherish what you had, even if not everything was good. And hard as it may be, move on. It's so tempting to keep a toe in the door (if I can use a friend's words), to keep alive that sliver of hope, or even an excuse to rage. The thing is...closing the door doesn't mean it won't open again, maybe to a similar experience in the future that can offer another outcome. It doesn't mean you should slam it shut or tear the door down and blast the room to bits. It just means that you don't have to think about it constantly, knowing that you learned from and perhaps even enjoyed parts of the experience...knowing that it'll be there when you need it. And if not, just shut the door gently, and move on to the next room. There are plenty to explore - and fill. And I'll close with this: God's house has plenty of rooms...
