burning and repairing

I went to NYC this past weekend with a former suitemate to visit a mutual friend (also a former suitemate).  It was awesome, but I sort of had a "country mouse" feeling all along, because it was so big.  Craziness.  I definitely don't think I could live there, but I'd love to visit occasionally (or even often).  In any case, one of my friends asked Saturday morning "So whatever happened between you and J?"  I was not anticipating this question, and hadn't thought about it until that moment.  My response was a somewhat flippant "Oh, she rejected me, which was fine...you guys know the story, right?"  (Side note: I hate writing stuff like this...it's self-serving and kind of trite, and I'm not even sure it helps me, never mind other people...sigh).  In any case, that brought me back to this entry, partially written last spring...

"Today, I went up to campus to visit a friend, possibly for the last time in the next few years. As I was on my way, I silently prayed that I would have the courage to say what I had to, and the grace to say it with honesty and compassion. It didn't happen.

(Yes, I know that in my last post, I debated the merits of whether I should start from the premise that God doesn't exist - which should render prayer meaningless. At this point, though, I don't want to let go of prayer as something - anything - in order to connect with God. I'm not sure where that leaves me in my search for the truth, but this is where I stand now).

Some brief background (because the backstory would require narrating my life story, which is both impractical and pitiful): junior year of college sucked, in every way possible. Fresh off of passing orgo in the summer (with a "gentleman's C," might I add...sarcastically), I decided that all these signs that I wasn't cut out to be a doctor wasn't enough - I was going to take orgo 2 and physics in the same semester. Bad, bad, bad idea...especially considering the fact that I hadn't really learned orgo 1 - and was taking three classes on top of them. Not surprisingly (for me, anyway), I broke down academically - I basically stopped practicing orgo problems because I didn't understand them, did physics p-sets the morning (read: 1am to 11am) they were due (thank you, physics roomie extraordinaire, for keeping me sane), and only barely studied for tests. Then I got a 19 on my first orgo exam of the semester.

That was it. I completely lost it. I never, ever thought it could get this bad...and it would only get worse. I stopped going to classes altogether for a month..."

Okay, so that's where it ends...and since I don't want to re-live this any more than I have to, I'm going to condense the next...two years, in a few sentences.  I got seriously depressed, was rescued from the brink by a very good friend whom I eventually developed a romantic interest in.  We had "The Talk," decided that a relationship wasn't going to work, and that was that.  One thing of note (which I've been meaning to blog about for ages): she told me that I had to "guard my heart."  I had a huge problem with that, for many reasons, which I won't detail...and turned over that conversation in my head for the next year.  I finally had to tell her how I felt, and...things got awkward, I made her cry, and I still didn't really feel like any weight was lifted.  (The next few posts spawned from this piece of history will make much more sense/not be as...ugh).  Just...the feeling that I was burning my friendships...and whenever anything good came of them, I would inevitably screw it up.  Sort of like my walk with Jesus.  I don't know.  Anyway, since then, I've had way too much time to self-reflect, and things have definitely gotten better.

(If you're just skimming this, you can skip to this part).  On the strong advice of one of my best friends, I've become more humble, and less critical of my relationships with others.  It's still hard, but I think I've definitely gotten better (and more willing) at repairing bridges when they break, instead of blowing them up.  Almost always, this is a two-way process, but even so, the important thing is that I accept others' attempts to reach out and make things better, instead of just being bitter that things didn't end up the way I wanted.  Even when communication is scarce (as it can be between friends after college), appreciate every phone call, email, and even face-to-face meeting.  As for the memories, well, take what you can out of them, whether they be lessons, meaning, or emotion, and...let them go.  Make room for more memories.  Cherish what you had, even if not everything was good.  And hard as it may be, move on.  It's so tempting to keep a toe in the door (if I can use a friend's words), to keep alive that sliver of hope, or even an excuse to rage.  The thing is...closing the door doesn't mean it won't open again, maybe to a similar experience in the future that can offer another outcome.  It doesn't mean you should slam it shut or tear the door down and blast the room to bits.  It just means that you don't have to think about it constantly, knowing that you learned from and perhaps even enjoyed parts of the experience...knowing that it'll be there when you need it.  And if not, just shut the door gently, and move on to the next room.  There are plenty to explore - and fill.  And I'll close with this: God's house has plenty of rooms...

good enough

I'm currently sitting in the library finishing up my letter of intent for Teach For America.  I'm almost done...except for answering the most important question: "Why do you seek to join Teach For America?"  Until now, I wasn't quite sure, and then, on a whim, I went back and read my letter of petition for re-admission that I submitted two months ago.  This is why I want to teach - to give students a taste of what the "real world" outside of high school, outside of academics, is like.  In fact, teaching is the real world, for any teacher, but the mantras of "you must learn this because this is what the system requires" or "so you can go to college" seem...jaded.  Just as the mantra in college of "do well so you can go to grad school or get a job" is so narrow in its focus.  Anyways, I'm not really sure what I'm talking about anymore, but even if I don't make it into TFA, or even teaching, I want this next generation of students to know that you can explore - indeed, you should - you can make adjustments, that things don't have to have to be perfect to make a difference, that they often make a huge difference in the lives of their teachers without even knowing it...

Okay, stream of consciousness over.  Below are a few (very slightly edited) paragraphs from my petition for re-admission...maybe it'll explain better.

Dear Dean:

        
It has now been a year since I started my senior year.  During that semester, I suffered from acute depression and anxiety, as well as obsessive thoughts about both my past and future.  I would read one paragraph and be consumed by cycling thoughts about irrational fears –  that I would suddenly sever ties with my friends, for example – for hours at a time.  During those episodes, I could not do anything besides just sit there, trapped.  To escape this, I threw myself into anything but schoolwork – checking email constantly, hanging out with my suitemates – anything so that I did not have to think.  If I did not have to think, I ceased having to feel, and that would make things better for a short time.  I still cared a lot about schoolwork, and I did it when I could, but eventually, I ended up with three incompletes and one dropped course.

Looking back, the first two weeks were possibly the toughest I’ve ever faced.  Knowing that I would not graduate with my class really hurt, and I questioned the significance and my ability to do anything ever again.  Ever since elementary school, I’ve had to prove myself because of my visual handicap – and since I couldn’t do so athletically or aesthetically, I had to do so mentally.  I had to be smarter and work harder than everyone else.  What happened senior year was the culmination of four years of believing that I wasn’t good enough for medical school, for college, to achieve my goals.

Gradually, the effect of separation from the school, my friends, and seemingly, any shot of achieving something meaningful in life, began to seem more real, but also more down-to-earth and manageable.  Over the past year, I’ve learned that it is the imaginary that seeks to destroy me, and I have to look out for opportunities to keep myself grounded.  When I do find that opportunity, I have to move on – acknowledge and reconcile with whatever past mistakes or thoughts I may have made, and dive in.  I think the problem through the years for me has been perfectionism – if it’s not perfect, I don’t want it.  This is why I used to take such an issue with people telling me to “just do it” and “take some responsibility” – because they did not understand that for me to “do it” meant that it had to be perfect, and until it was according to my standards, there was nothing in the world or in my head that would be able to convince myself otherwise.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks for me has actually been imaginary standards – I have to do “this” in order to be “that,” and if I don’t, I’m not good enough.  Upon getting into college, I had grand dreams of becoming a physician-scientist.  Over the next few years, I had to lower my expectations again and again, until there was such a gap between the standards I aspired towards and the expectations I realistically had that I broke down.

I remember one conversation where a dean asked me what they could do to help students like me.  The answer is exactly what you did – give me a real-world perspective.  Too often, students at top universities are locked into one vision, to which they must complete a specific order of tasks that are set in stone.  The need to uncouple the chain between academic success and real-world fulfillment is so important – and one that many students either ignore – or when they can’t, attach themselves to.  The thing is, all of us have “pure potential” before we actually try or do anything.  Life is an experiment, so we should not be afraid to try things out, because we have plenty of potential to spare.

Of course, I know that not every experience will be like these, and that I have to maintain perspective.  For example, getting a PhD might make me happy, but it might not.  It might get me a job, but it might not.  It might get people to respect me, but it might not.  The truth is, my only handicap is my vision – not my brain, and not how people perceive me – and I’ve overcome this limitation fairly well.  If eventually, getting a PhD is something I want, I am “good enough” to achieve it.  But, if not, I can enjoy working in the “real world” for all it’s worth.  This is why I am ready to come back to school – because I am good enough to finish my last semester, good enough to graduate, and good enough to achieve my goals.  Discipline and imagination can go together – it just means that I might have to make a few adjustments along the way, and continue to tell myself that I am good enough to do it.

I’d like to close with a story: One day, a piano player with really short fingers goes to a club to play.  A woman walks up to him and marvels “How do you play so wonderfully with such short fingers?”  The man replies “Who said I played with my fingers?  It all happens up here [points to his head].”  Everything we do that we care about, and want to succeed in, we do with our minds and with confidence – and that is the one thing I now know I have in abundance.  Thank you for all your guidance, patience, and advice this past year.  It has been well worth it, and whatever the final decision regarding my status may be, I assure you that I have what it takes to move forward.

Note: I'm officially re-admitted for the spring of 2011...here's to one more semester, and to what comes next.

what makes you rejoice?

Recently, the weather has gotten a lot colder.  The leaves are changing colors, and Halloween has passed.  To the consumerist masses (or at least the stores in shopping malls), this means one thing: Christmas is on its way.  The funny thing is that in the middle of transitioning from costumes to candy canes, one very important holiday is forgotten: Thanksgiving.  Then again, as is often said, every day should be a day of thanksgiving.  As my grandma puts it every single morning when she wakes up, "Praise the Lord!"

You ever wonder, though, what Thanksgiving means to non-Christians, or even those not so deeply rooted in the notion of giving thanks to a god of some sort?  There's a (somewhat feared) tradition at my church where everyone in the English congregation gathers in the chapel, and my dad (one of the deacons) gets up and calls on people to come up and give thanks.  However, given that this takes place in a church, what we give thanks for almost always involves God. What about the rest of the world?

This is exactly what the band Audio Adrenaline set to find out.  In this video, they drove around asking random people what made them rejoice.  The responses were quite varied.  My personal favorites:

"Seeing other people happy."
"To be perfectly honest, I don't even know if I know the meaning of that word right now."
"What makes you think I'm rejoicing?" (This one was particularly amusing because of the way she said it).
"God's grace makes me rejoice, because he knows me for all that I am, and he still loves me."

I enjoyed this video precisely because it wasn't "strictly Christian."  Yes, it was made by a (fantastic) Christian band, but it wasn't a Chris-Tomlin-esque "Oh boy, God's grace is so high like the sky, and his love is like the ocean, let's all be happy together!"  I grew up in the church, and, frankly, I've grown tired of the constant repetition of God's grace and love and mercy and holiness because it just seems so...stale.  Anyways, it really was refreshing to hear some other perspectives of what the concept - and practice - of rejoicing might mean, even for a few minutes.  Then again, those four statements above pretty much capture, in order, what I thought it meant to rejoice in the last two years or so.  The last statement, in particular, really hit home after this year's RUF Fall Conference, which I will post notes and commentary about at some point, hopefully soon.

So what do I have to rejoice about?  Well, for one, I was re-admitted back to school for my last semester of college.  This past year has been a rollercoaster of emotions and actions, and I'm starting to see how God was working even then.  I'm happy to be alive.  I'm thankful for family, that we'll be having a huge family reunion for Thanksgiving in under two weeks.  I'm rejoicing for so many things (even while I'm unhappy, angry, or upset for others).  I'm rejoicing that I get to go to church tomorrow and see my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ - not because we're a perfect church - far, far from it, but because I'm excited for God to work through, and with, us to continue to mold our relationships.  I'll have more to say about this in the future, but for now, it's off to bed and hoping for sunshine tomorrow morning.

hypothetical little brother

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday on how both of us just wanted to drop our overload of responsibilities and just do something for ourselves - community service, travel the world, whatever.  (In my case, it was "had wanted to"...and I'm going to try really hard not to make the same mistake if and when I re-enroll).

In any case, conversation turned to a few people with whom we both served with in a student group two years ago, people we sorely missed.  This student group that my friend runs is now quite large, at least its executive board - and we both felt that what it gained in ability to do things, it lost in intimacy.

In my case, I woke up a few mornings ago really, really missing the person who once referred to me as her "hypothetical little brother."  This was during Meiklejohn orientation of my junior year.  I had no idea what I was doing, where my group was, where to sit, etc.  And then I heard "Hey Jon!"  And instantly, I knew everything was going to be okay.  I still remember the dress she was wearing (light pink, white, and brown, I think), and whenever I feel down, I just have to bring up that image of her to make me feel happy.

I've always felt closer to older people, girls especially, something I've come to call the "older sister complex."  To go way back, I actually think this has its roots in elementary school.  When I was in fifth grade (and I cannot believe I'm actually writing this), I once had a clear bottle of apple juice that I took out to drink on the bus on the way home.  What is the color of apple juice?  And what does that look like to immature little kids?  Exactly.

Instantly, a chorus of "OHMYGOD IS THAT PEE?" swelled around me, and to be honest, I no longer remember my reaction, but it was probably bewildered, scared, and hurt.  What I do remember is a sixth-grade girl standing up and yelling "shut up, you guys, it's just apple juice!"  I no longer remember her name, what she looked like, or what we talked about afterward (or even if we did), but that incident stands out in my mind clear as day.

Ever since then, older girls have very often taken on the "older sister" mentality for me - given me advice, listen to me rant, talk with me and make things okay.  The only problem is that I can be very clingy, both physically and emotionally (something I'm really trying to work on/pray about).  But back to my friend at Meiklejohn orientation.  Afterward, we sat down for lunch at a pizza place while we talked about our upcoming semesters, and how apprehensive I was for med school.  She didn't lecture me, and gave me a little advice, but more importantly, she made me feel happy, and good about myself - that whatever I chose to do was the right thing, and she had no doubts that I would do it well.  Maybe med school wasn't the right path for me.  Maybe science in general wasn't.  But that was okay.  And if I eventually decided I wanted to go to med school, there were plenty of options, and she would always be there for me.  I'm pretty sure we ended the conversation on the topic of palm-reading and heart lines, and I walked out reassured...something that I wouldn't begin to really feel again until a few months ago.

As I told my friend (the one running the student group) yesterday, I know that the two of us aren't going to be best friends, and she's not going to pour her life story out to me, even if I do it to her (I'll talk about reciprocity in a future post).  And that's okay.  We're still friends, and if I, or anyone else, ever need a "consult," she will be there and make things good again as only she can - to "just take deep breaths...you'll be fine; you're very qualified."

defeating demons, giving praise

It's been one year since my ability to control my thoughts fell apart. I'm now sitting in the same dining hall that brings it all back - the tortured nights trying to do work, scenarios crashing together one after another in my head. I'm here one last time to leave it all behind, to move on and live.

Let me explain. In the fall of my senior year, I was fired up to come back to campus, especially to start my immediate calling of serving faithfully as a one-on-one leader. A good friend had reminded me that summer that one-on-ones are about sharing lives and stories, not necessarily about finding the right things to say or questions to ask. That summer, I also met a wonderful pastor who told me that even if I couldn't discern my life calling at the moment, I could still do my immediate callings that were perhaps smaller in scope, but no less important. Armed with this knowledge and confidence, I plunged in.

As the semester progressed, I grew more disillusioned with fellowship, and tired of the responsibilities I had to fulfill. When Fall Conference came around, I was ready for a break. The last night of the conference, I spent the night in the dining hall reading for class. I was sitting opposite a dear friend who I knew was also struggling with similar issues. As dawn approached, she began to pour her heart out. I had no idea what to say - all I knew was that someone had hurt, and was hurting, my friend, and I would kill - or die - to make that pain stop. I did the only thing I knew how - give advice. The last thing I remember was my friend choking back sobs as we parted ways.

That scene - and how even in my utter powerlessness, I had managed to not be there for her - haunted me in the weeks after. I've always prided myself on my ability to take care of other people, and almost nothing gets me more angry than when people - or I - hurt my friends. I couldn't understand why people who professed to be Christian could not live like one - would act so ruthless and hurtful. From there, it was only a matter of time before my thoughts spiraled out of control. Violent, irrational scenarios of my friendships blowing up, confrontations with people I needed to set straight, and so on. I had no foundation in faith - no reason to believe anymore.

Even after months of therapy, I still had thoughts of throwing myself into the lake at this year's conference. If I couldn't get rid of my demons, I would freeze them in place and end it at the ultimate personification of everything I felt was wrong with our fellowship, with Christianity, with me, and with God. Tonight, though, as I sit here, I know two things: God loves me even when I can't love myself and will continue to break down my idols to reveal how beautiful He is; and that He is more powerful than any of my idols that became demons, and that when I keep my eyes open in pondering, daring faith, God will indeed show us what He can do. For this, I rest secure in His promise fulfilled of joyous judgement through Jesus, and will "join with the earth and...give my praise to You."

follow the instructions as directed

...and you will not feel like a huge idiot after a whole day wasted trying to do something really simple.  I'm sure I could tie this into a "follow Christ and everything will be awesome" analogy, except that 1) that's not true, even most of the time, and 2) I'm too excited about changing the colors of my newly-sync-ed calendars.

My next post will expand on the first point, though - it's already in draft mode, so should be up soon.

Read and following instructions, guys (and girls)!

thank you audrey

...for having one of the most encouraging, insightful, relevant, and faith-centered blogs out there.  Read her blog at: http://moomooaudrey.wordpress.com/.  Also, I'm so happy that her first EP, Midnight Bloom, was just released!  Listening to it right now... hooked already.  Listen here.  And purchase here.  I'll probably write a blog post or two about her songs at some point... for now, I'm just thankful for this dose of much-needed encouragement this morning.