reflections on unified 2009

So last night was our third annual Unified Praise Night. I was pretty excited about it, as I was expecting a lot of energy and passion. The set started out strong, with two songs by Chris Tomlin and one by Starfield. I remember thinking that it was taking me a while to get into the music, but I didn't think anything of it as this occasionally happens. Divine Rhythm, WOV (With One Voice), and Catholic Choir were all great, as was the speech for Hope for the Homeless. At that point, I was feeling pretty content, and I waited for the sermon to start. After the first few minutes, however, I sort of got lost, because I couldn't figure out why the speaker seemed to jump in between Bible verses. I eventually fell asleep, probably a result of my having gone to bed at 6 am the previous night, and being in the library all afternoon. When I woke up, the sermon was nearly over, and I naturally felt really bad. I thought "hmm, maybe the music will help me get back in the right mindset for worship." Unfortunately, I only knew about half the songs in the latter set (Hillsong and Starfield), and I became frustrated by the fact that I still couldn't get into the "right" attitude. When we got to the song "The Stand" by Hillsong, I finally felt some emotion, particularly with these lines:

"So I'll stand,
With arms high and heart abandoned,
in awe of the One who gave it all.

So I'll stand,
My soul, Lord, to you surrendered,
all I am is Yours."

When the final prayer ended and I walked out, though, I felt strangely unfulfilled, but I didn't know what was missing. It had nothing to do with the worship team or the speaker, and I did enjoy the experience. It just felt different from years past. Ironically, the last two years I went, I couldn't see the song lyrics, which usually does take away some of the passion because i can't sing along, and I still loved it. Yesterday, however, I could see everything, but I just couldn't sing.

One of the Chris Tomlin songs we sang yesterday had this line: "How can I keep from singing Your praise?" I thought about that question through the night, but I couldn't answer it. There was one point where I wanted them to play quieter, slower, more reflective songs, but of course, this should have had no effect on me praising God. Right? I just felt... almost empty, like this was just another event to go to, to let pass by. Of course, the fact that I didn't know half of the worship set probably didn't help, and I probably should have slept more the previous night. Was this just an off night for me, then? Or am I making excuses for a deeper problem? Why couldn't I appreciate or understand the sermon? Was it arrogance or just an unwillingness to listen? I was really looking for renewal, but maybe I was searching for the wrong thing, or in the wrong way. Now, just a few hours before I leave for church, I still don't know exactly what I'm looking for, or why I felt so lukewarm last night. I hope things will turn around today... we'll see if I find any answers.

EDIT: This was sometime during the spring of my junior year, imported from a previous blog.