foundations

So, it's been a few weeks since I last posted something here. A lot has changed in those few weeks, not the least of which was a three-week period in which I got hit with two colds and a stomach virus. Aside from physical ailments, though, what I've really been struggling with is the reason I'm alive. This isn't in the "oh, I'm so sad and I'm useless - what am I doing with my life?" type of struggle. This is more "why was I created by God?" Previously, I would have considered this from a philosophical standpoint - what am I supposed to do with my life to fulfill God's plan for me now that he's given me so much?

Now?

I'm angry. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, and honestly, at this point, I don't really want to know. This doesn't mean I don't care - in fact, I care way too much - about being such a renowned man of God that people will point at me and say "wow, he certainly is following the Lord with all his heart." Selfish and narrow-minded, I know.

But, you know? I don't actually care. Over these past few months that I've been out of school (more on that, perhaps, in the future), I've found it increasingly hard to find something that I actually give a damn about. So, what to do? I promised myself when I left school last December, that I would do whatever it took to get better again - emotionally and mentally. Since then, this has involved mental health professionals, drugs, and *shudder* talking with my parents.

Has all of this paid off? I'm not sure yet. My point is that tonight is where I begin the same process with my spiritual life - breaking down all the foundations, all I've ever known about Christianity and my faith - and starting over.

The first step?

God doesn't exist.

I know, I know - this is supposed to be a blog about my spiritual struggles, joys, journey, and what not, not about my path towards rejecting my faith. But, I have no faith left. I've realized over these past few weeks that I believe in God's existence - because that's the way I was brought up. I don't actually believe that he can - and will - work miracles, in my life - or even do anything to change me, little by little. I have nothing left. Total, complete burnout. I don't want God to exist - because that means that I've failed him, and that there's a plan for my life that I'm not following - and I don't want that anymore. I want answers. Why am I here? If God can't answer that, I don't want to know him.

Shocking, yes. I talked with my pastor tonight after youth fellowship, and he basically said "throw it all away." Start from scratch. If I'm going to build a faith that I can rely on, and if I'm going to believe that God is real in my life, that I can - in my dreams still, be a useful servant for him - then I need to completely and utterly tear down everything I've ever known about my faith.

If it means that I have to start from ground zero - that God doesn't exist - and challenge myself until something begins to grow - then so be it.

Practically, how is this going to work? I have no idea. I'm not going to stop going to church. I'll still sing songs and maybe even feel worshipful. I'll listen carefully to the sermons. On another level, nearly everything on my ipod is Christian music. My parents and I watch a Christian testimonial program every night during dinner. I have a lot of Christian (and non-Christian) friends whom I talk to about spiritual matters. How is this going to fit with my now-supposed rejection of God? No clue.

To be honest, though, I'm excited. I want to be angry at God, to question him, to rail against what I think is unjust, whether in my personal life or otherwise. I want to be challenged - intellectually, then personally, and maybe finally, spiritually. It's going to take a while. In fact, it might just take my whole life. But starting tonight, I'm putting down a new foundation - and we'll see what buildings rise up from the rubble.