defeating demons, giving praise

It's been one year since my ability to control my thoughts fell apart. I'm now sitting in the same dining hall that brings it all back - the tortured nights trying to do work, scenarios crashing together one after another in my head. I'm here one last time to leave it all behind, to move on and live.

Let me explain. In the fall of my senior year, I was fired up to come back to campus, especially to start my immediate calling of serving faithfully as a one-on-one leader. A good friend had reminded me that summer that one-on-ones are about sharing lives and stories, not necessarily about finding the right things to say or questions to ask. That summer, I also met a wonderful pastor who told me that even if I couldn't discern my life calling at the moment, I could still do my immediate callings that were perhaps smaller in scope, but no less important. Armed with this knowledge and confidence, I plunged in.

As the semester progressed, I grew more disillusioned with fellowship, and tired of the responsibilities I had to fulfill. When Fall Conference came around, I was ready for a break. The last night of the conference, I spent the night in the dining hall reading for class. I was sitting opposite a dear friend who I knew was also struggling with similar issues. As dawn approached, she began to pour her heart out. I had no idea what to say - all I knew was that someone had hurt, and was hurting, my friend, and I would kill - or die - to make that pain stop. I did the only thing I knew how - give advice. The last thing I remember was my friend choking back sobs as we parted ways.

That scene - and how even in my utter powerlessness, I had managed to not be there for her - haunted me in the weeks after. I've always prided myself on my ability to take care of other people, and almost nothing gets me more angry than when people - or I - hurt my friends. I couldn't understand why people who professed to be Christian could not live like one - would act so ruthless and hurtful. From there, it was only a matter of time before my thoughts spiraled out of control. Violent, irrational scenarios of my friendships blowing up, confrontations with people I needed to set straight, and so on. I had no foundation in faith - no reason to believe anymore.

Even after months of therapy, I still had thoughts of throwing myself into the lake at this year's conference. If I couldn't get rid of my demons, I would freeze them in place and end it at the ultimate personification of everything I felt was wrong with our fellowship, with Christianity, with me, and with God. Tonight, though, as I sit here, I know two things: God loves me even when I can't love myself and will continue to break down my idols to reveal how beautiful He is; and that He is more powerful than any of my idols that became demons, and that when I keep my eyes open in pondering, daring faith, God will indeed show us what He can do. For this, I rest secure in His promise fulfilled of joyous judgement through Jesus, and will "join with the earth and...give my praise to You."