So, it's been a few weeks since I last posted something here. A lot has changed in those few weeks, not the least of which was a three-week period in which I got hit with two colds and a stomach virus. Aside from physical ailments, though, what I've really been struggling with is the reason I'm alive. This isn't in the "oh, I'm so sad and I'm useless - what am I doing with my life?" type of struggle. This is more "why was I created by God?" Previously, I would have considered this from a philosophical standpoint - what am I supposed to do with my life to fulfill God's plan for me now that he's given me so much?
Now?
I'm angry. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, and honestly, at this point, I don't really want to know. This doesn't mean I don't care - in fact, I care way too much - about being such a renowned man of God that people will point at me and say "wow, he certainly is following the Lord with all his heart." Selfish and narrow-minded, I know.
But, you know? I don't actually care. Over these past few months that I've been out of school (more on that, perhaps, in the future), I've found it increasingly hard to find something that I actually give a damn about. So, what to do? I promised myself when I left school last December, that I would do whatever it took to get better again - emotionally and mentally. Since then, this has involved mental health professionals, drugs, and *shudder* talking with my parents.
Has all of this paid off? I'm not sure yet. My point is that tonight is where I begin the same process with my spiritual life - breaking down all the foundations, all I've ever known about Christianity and my faith - and starting over.
The first step?
God doesn't exist.
I know, I know - this is supposed to be a blog about my spiritual struggles, joys, journey, and what not, not about my path towards rejecting my faith. But, I have no faith left. I've realized over these past few weeks that I believe in God's existence - because that's the way I was brought up. I don't actually believe that he can - and will - work miracles, in my life - or even do anything to change me, little by little. I have nothing left. Total, complete burnout. I don't want God to exist - because that means that I've failed him, and that there's a plan for my life that I'm not following - and I don't want that anymore. I want answers. Why am I here? If God can't answer that, I don't want to know him.
Shocking, yes. I talked with my pastor tonight after youth fellowship, and he basically said "throw it all away." Start from scratch. If I'm going to build a faith that I can rely on, and if I'm going to believe that God is real in my life, that I can - in my dreams still, be a useful servant for him - then I need to completely and utterly tear down everything I've ever known about my faith.
If it means that I have to start from ground zero - that God doesn't exist - and challenge myself until something begins to grow - then so be it.
Practically, how is this going to work? I have no idea. I'm not going to stop going to church. I'll still sing songs and maybe even feel worshipful. I'll listen carefully to the sermons. On another level, nearly everything on my ipod is Christian music. My parents and I watch a Christian testimonial program every night during dinner. I have a lot of Christian (and non-Christian) friends whom I talk to about spiritual matters. How is this going to fit with my now-supposed rejection of God? No clue.
To be honest, though, I'm excited. I want to be angry at God, to question him, to rail against what I think is unjust, whether in my personal life or otherwise. I want to be challenged - intellectually, then personally, and maybe finally, spiritually. It's going to take a while. In fact, it might just take my whole life. But starting tonight, I'm putting down a new foundation - and we'll see what buildings rise up from the rubble.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
lemons into lemonade, water into wine
"What makes you think that God doesn't love you?" As we sat in his car in front of my house, my friend's words didn't pierce my heart - instead, they landed with a dull thud. In a perfect world, his question would have sparked a great insight - "oh, so that's why my life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to!" (Then again, in a perfect world, my life would have turned out the way I wanted anyways, removing the need to ask the question in the first place).
Of course, we do not live in a perfect world. To anyone - Christian or not - it is pretty clear that we live in a fallen world. War, famine, disease, scandals and injustices of every sort imaginable. Do these things bother me? Of course they do - but my recent questioning of what I believe is not based in the typical "if God is all-powerful, he can stop evil - and since he doesn't, he must not exist" argument. No, my thoughts are much more specific - and selfish: if God loves me, he would fix my life so I can serve him better. See what I just did? I used my desire to serve God as a self-serving excuse so that he would give me the gifts, talents, experiences, and lifestyle that I wanted - instead of those that would actually further his plan for my life.
But, back to the conversation. I responded that I felt like God had opened so many doors for me - and I had slammed them shut in his face. One. By. One. Because of this, I am now living at home while taking a year off from school, to figure out the next phase of my life (more on that in the future). I wasted so many golden opportunities - and now I expected God to love me? Not a chance.
My friend gently reminded me to look for the small blessings in life - sort of like making lemonade out of lemons. Qualitatively, I think this is different than finding something to be happy for each day. How so, I'm not exactly sure, but here's a great read on lemons and lemonade from a Christian perspective. As you may have guessed, I have trouble finding (or telling myself to look for) these blessings. Why? Simple: I want BIG BLESSINGS. Like, REALLY BIG BLESSINGS. Blessings like getting into a top grad school (epidemiology and/or global health, in case any kindhearted admissions committee members read this). Like earning a lot of money. Like being respected by all my peers. Like traveling the world stamping out malaria and all the other diseases that we are protected against, but many more people are not. Like finding my other (bound to be better) half and raising God-loving, intelligent, athletic, compassionate kids. Like being able to go back to school without breaking down under the pressure of societal expectations - or my own.
It was getting late, and I was feeling tired. (Also, it was a dark and stormy night. Just kidding - it was just dark). In any case, I knew he was right. I also knew that both of us really needed prayer. So, trying to cast aside any illusions that I knew what I was doing, I prayed that the Lord would protect us, lead us, strengthen our resolve. I honestly don't remember most of what I prayed - but I do remember this: I asked that he transform our lives as he transformed water into wine. That no one would know where this transformation came from - but there was no doubt about its authenticity, and its power to heal. That when people asked us how this happened, we would have the courage to proclaim our faith. That we would have the faith to believe that Jesus can indeed change our lives - that we can indeed live as the "best wine" he - and he alone - is turning us into. My friend prayed for God to show us patience and how to be humble - to trust in his grace and plan for our lives, that he is sovereign over all creation, including us - among other things. That, above all, we would know that God is good, that he does indeed love us, that he will continue to mold us in his fashion, and that we can take wonderous enjoyment from it in our day-to-day lives.
I walked out of the car feeling encouraged - that God had been watching over our very conversation just now. Yes, there will continue to be struggles, drama, confrontations, missteps, and heartbreak. But in spite of all that, God is in control, and he loves us. This is just one of many steps towards regaining - and building upon - my faith, family, friendships, and future. But as for tonight? I think I've found a blessing.
Of course, we do not live in a perfect world. To anyone - Christian or not - it is pretty clear that we live in a fallen world. War, famine, disease, scandals and injustices of every sort imaginable. Do these things bother me? Of course they do - but my recent questioning of what I believe is not based in the typical "if God is all-powerful, he can stop evil - and since he doesn't, he must not exist" argument. No, my thoughts are much more specific - and selfish: if God loves me, he would fix my life so I can serve him better. See what I just did? I used my desire to serve God as a self-serving excuse so that he would give me the gifts, talents, experiences, and lifestyle that I wanted - instead of those that would actually further his plan for my life.
But, back to the conversation. I responded that I felt like God had opened so many doors for me - and I had slammed them shut in his face. One. By. One. Because of this, I am now living at home while taking a year off from school, to figure out the next phase of my life (more on that in the future). I wasted so many golden opportunities - and now I expected God to love me? Not a chance.
My friend gently reminded me to look for the small blessings in life - sort of like making lemonade out of lemons. Qualitatively, I think this is different than finding something to be happy for each day. How so, I'm not exactly sure, but here's a great read on lemons and lemonade from a Christian perspective. As you may have guessed, I have trouble finding (or telling myself to look for) these blessings. Why? Simple: I want BIG BLESSINGS. Like, REALLY BIG BLESSINGS. Blessings like getting into a top grad school (epidemiology and/or global health, in case any kindhearted admissions committee members read this). Like earning a lot of money. Like being respected by all my peers. Like traveling the world stamping out malaria and all the other diseases that we are protected against, but many more people are not. Like finding my other (bound to be better) half and raising God-loving, intelligent, athletic, compassionate kids. Like being able to go back to school without breaking down under the pressure of societal expectations - or my own.
It was getting late, and I was feeling tired. (Also, it was a dark and stormy night. Just kidding - it was just dark). In any case, I knew he was right. I also knew that both of us really needed prayer. So, trying to cast aside any illusions that I knew what I was doing, I prayed that the Lord would protect us, lead us, strengthen our resolve. I honestly don't remember most of what I prayed - but I do remember this: I asked that he transform our lives as he transformed water into wine. That no one would know where this transformation came from - but there was no doubt about its authenticity, and its power to heal. That when people asked us how this happened, we would have the courage to proclaim our faith. That we would have the faith to believe that Jesus can indeed change our lives - that we can indeed live as the "best wine" he - and he alone - is turning us into. My friend prayed for God to show us patience and how to be humble - to trust in his grace and plan for our lives, that he is sovereign over all creation, including us - among other things. That, above all, we would know that God is good, that he does indeed love us, that he will continue to mold us in his fashion, and that we can take wonderous enjoyment from it in our day-to-day lives.
I walked out of the car feeling encouraged - that God had been watching over our very conversation just now. Yes, there will continue to be struggles, drama, confrontations, missteps, and heartbreak. But in spite of all that, God is in control, and he loves us. This is just one of many steps towards regaining - and building upon - my faith, family, friendships, and future. But as for tonight? I think I've found a blessing.
allusions, anyone?
So, why create a blog? Especially when I have another one that I haven't updated in forever? Well, that one was supposed to inspire me to do - and record - my daily devotions. It didn't work. So, I've decided that I want my other blog to be more about public health issues that interest me, or anything exciting going on in my life that's not related to spiritual or philosophical issues. (Which means I probably won't start blogging on that one again until I perhaps go to grad school, but we'll see). As for this blog, I wanted another place where I could put down thoughts more related to spiritual issues - probably more struggles than triumphs, at this point.
Did anyone catch the musical allusions in my blog? (Hint: there are three). If not: the title comes from the song "Take Me to Your Leader" by Newsboys, the sub-title comes from "Like a Child" by Jars of Clay, and the site name comes from "Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot. All wonderful songs. Check them out! And maybe, check out this blog once in a while, if you're not busy, or you're bored, or something. I'll try to update it more often than I did my last one. Well, sink or swim, I'm diving in!
Did anyone catch the musical allusions in my blog? (Hint: there are three). If not: the title comes from the song "Take Me to Your Leader" by Newsboys, the sub-title comes from "Like a Child" by Jars of Clay, and the site name comes from "Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot. All wonderful songs. Check them out! And maybe, check out this blog once in a while, if you're not busy, or you're bored, or something. I'll try to update it more often than I did my last one. Well, sink or swim, I'm diving in!
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