lemons into lemonade, water into wine

"What makes you think that God doesn't love you?" As we sat in his car in front of my house, my friend's words didn't pierce my heart - instead, they landed with a dull thud. In a perfect world, his question would have sparked a great insight - "oh, so that's why my life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to!" (Then again, in a perfect world, my life would have turned out the way I wanted anyways, removing the need to ask the question in the first place).

Of course, we do not live in a perfect world. To anyone - Christian or not - it is pretty clear that we live in a fallen world. War, famine, disease, scandals and injustices of every sort imaginable. Do these things bother me? Of course they do - but my recent questioning of what I believe is not based in the typical "if God is all-powerful, he can stop evil - and since he doesn't, he must not exist" argument. No, my thoughts are much more specific - and selfish: if God loves me, he would fix my life so I can serve him better. See what I just did? I used my desire to serve God as a self-serving excuse so that he would give me the gifts, talents, experiences, and lifestyle that I wanted - instead of those that would actually further his plan for my life.

But, back to the conversation. I responded that I felt like God had opened so many doors for me - and I had slammed them shut in his face. One. By. One. Because of this, I am now living at home while taking a year off from school, to figure out the next phase of my life (more on that in the future). I wasted so many golden opportunities - and now I expected God to love me? Not a chance.

My friend gently reminded me to look for the small blessings in life - sort of like making lemonade out of lemons. Qualitatively, I think this is different than finding something to be happy for each day. How so, I'm not exactly sure, but here's a great read on lemons and lemonade from a Christian perspective. As you may have guessed, I have trouble finding (or telling myself to look for) these blessings. Why? Simple: I want BIG BLESSINGS. Like, REALLY BIG BLESSINGS. Blessings like getting into a top grad school (epidemiology and/or global health, in case any kindhearted admissions committee members read this). Like earning a lot of money. Like being respected by all my peers. Like traveling the world stamping out malaria and all the other diseases that we are protected against, but many more people are not. Like finding my other (bound to be better) half and raising God-loving, intelligent, athletic, compassionate kids. Like being able to go back to school without breaking down under the pressure of societal expectations - or my own.

It was getting late, and I was feeling tired. (Also, it was a dark and stormy night. Just kidding - it was just dark). In any case, I knew he was right. I also knew that both of us really needed prayer. So, trying to cast aside any illusions that I knew what I was doing, I prayed that the Lord would protect us, lead us, strengthen our resolve. I honestly don't remember most of what I prayed - but I do remember this: I asked that he transform our lives as he transformed water into wine. That no one would know where this transformation came from - but there was no doubt about its authenticity, and its power to heal. That when people asked us how this happened, we would have the courage to proclaim our faith. That we would have the faith to believe that Jesus can indeed change our lives - that we can indeed live as the "best wine" he - and he alone - is turning us into. My friend prayed for God to show us patience and how to be humble - to trust in his grace and plan for our lives, that he is sovereign over all creation, including us - among other things. That, above all, we would know that God is good, that he does indeed love us, that he will continue to mold us in his fashion, and that we can take wonderous enjoyment from it in our day-to-day lives.

I walked out of the car feeling encouraged - that God had been watching over our very conversation just now. Yes, there will continue to be struggles, drama, confrontations, missteps, and heartbreak. But in spite of all that, God is in control, and he loves us. This is just one of many steps towards regaining - and building upon - my faith, family, friendships, and future. But as for tonight? I think I've found a blessing.